ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
They are going to name an STD after you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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