that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
