My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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