Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
