You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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