i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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