do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
