I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just had sex on a roof
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
