halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You dont lie about slip and slides
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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