I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
