Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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