Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Fuck appropriateness.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
