you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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