no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
