Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
