drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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