I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dick very happy bro
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
