Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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