That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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