i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I AM VODKA MAN
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
