How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
