found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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