I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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