If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
