My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
