You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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