I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize