I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
