I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
