I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize