You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
