Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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