What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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