Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
