just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it hurts more in the daytime
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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