So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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