I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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