Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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