I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
