If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
