Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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