I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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