Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
