sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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