you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need to calm my uterus...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
