she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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