We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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