it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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