I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
