Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we're making bets on your personal life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This baby is an asshole
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
