I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My liver is preforming stress tests.
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