did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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