my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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