Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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