so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
