So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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