Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
