I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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