remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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