omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
