I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
