Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
