Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I am one with the molecules
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
